Infinite.

Poetry War.

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 06:51:55 GMT

Me & Charlie like to continue each other's poetry.

The storm isn't over, you're just in the eye. So look in my eyes and you'll see what love means. I'll hold you tight and never let go. The rain is cold but you feel warm. I can hear your heart beat, it's as loud as thunder. I see your face between flashes of lightning. And unlike the storm, your beauty will never fade. - Charlie.
The lights are killing my favorite lights, this kind of life is dimming my soul, but somehow you ignited me like a strike of lighting. In my mind, & in my heart, everything's thundering now, peaceful as a storm. - Continued by me.

it's so sweet you think you know how crazy I am, but if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart from under your skin, fast as you can, run.
scratching underneath your skin i'm off to find your heart again. Inching my way slowly past your mind i see something i never expected to find. To late to run i'm already here, i'll drive you insane and awaken your fears. You silly girl, you try to hide but when i'm done here i'll leave nothing to find. - Charlie.

Somethings spilling from your eyes, it's all lies. When my fallen heart becomes the past, I lie awake thinking of you. I can't help but make this future deeper.
Desperation, desire, & blood filled with heartache strangles within & between.
Is this suicide? or a dream? Will I ever see you again before the end. I never thought time would be turning all towards ending. To find myself in you is worth the pain.- Meeee.

My lungs thoroughly blackened, my eyes a deep shade of red. You go down easy like whiskey at midnight. My heart is in your hands, please don't let it go. Held close to your body I discover your heart of gold. And as long as you hold my heart I shall keep yours as my treasure. Oh how I long for your carcinogenic pleasure. - Charlie.

This imaginary foundation underneath my heart will build itself new again. Say uh oh, but you know it's alright. I'll get through this again & again, that seems to be my only reason to exist, so show me my reason to die. From out of nowhere I opened up my eyes, & saw the devil in disguise. I should've known. - Meee.

The only guarantee of existence is death. One can only hope that the devil inside will not take us too soon. He may be in disguise but his intentions are clear. He means to break your heart and shatter your will. Then when you have no reason to exist, you will find your reasons to die. - Charlie.

Drive My Soul.

Sun, 17 May 2009 04:59:38 GMT

"You said, I never get things right, but I always do right by others, & always for others."

I don't know anymore, it's okay though. I've got a fiery soul & it's as insightful and brilliant as a poet, a thunderstorm, a beautiful hallucination, a phoenix. All I know is that I'm already falling for this beautiful being & I'm falling away from all supposed to be friends, horrid thoughts & questions are coming into play, but this is far from a game, yet in my head it feels like hide & seek, but I'm not yet sure what I'm desperately seeking. I've considered it might be happiness, but it might just be who I'm supposed to be, who my soul is, where everything inside of my heart truly lies, a kind of inscription. Who was every worth my time, care, trust, warm hold, wisdom, & most of all, love...which is only a question me and my soul can get through. Don't let yourself get burned in this, this astonishing and truthful crossfire. This being though, this lovely person, I'm going to keep him at his best, I'm going to keep him one disaster less, & that's a lot more hope absorbing inside of me for that act.

Dreamless Sleep.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:18:58 GMT

I'm just writing all of this down. I don't know what I'm thinking right now, everything is so knotted, so stomped on, so hurt, so hopeless, && I can't get away from it, not this time. "Is it overwhelming trying to crush a fly with a crane." I don't know where all of this is coming from, if it was bottled up, if it just sprouted, or if it's from all this destructive euphoria. I'm loosing life, I can feel my pieces of soul going up in flame, tears came to my eyes yesterday after a yawn, && it burned, I cried more because of the tears, I couldn't stop crying, crying hurt, && it just kept on. I can't confide in anyone any longer, not even my mother, not even the last person I believed in, && it's not at all because I don't wan to. I have to be here for them, it's an obligation to my heart at this point. Other lives conquer mine. My life is dedicated to them, dedicated to Annah, to Jen, to Steven, to Kenny, to Kelsey, to my mom, to Julian, to Fae, to my sister even, && even to Erich. Especially dedicated to Sunnie. What kind of savior needs so much saving?

I'm all wished dead.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:54:09 GMT

"To you my friend, I send my best regards
I hope that all is well and good in Neverland
It's been one month since goodbyes rang out and echoed long
Across the distance time had carved
It seems there's nothing left to do since you've gone and left me here in the street
The taste of ocean water is bleak and the cold wind's scraping at my bleeding feet
Why can't I keep you from my heart?
Why is there nothing I can do but get over you
Could be regret time I've lost, could be I see mountaintops
Baby miss you since you've gone
We stared up high out where the stars almost burnt out a hole in the sky
But now the sky is faded and its burnt around the edges
From this lawn all crisp and yellow where I lie
I should have known not to seal up my mouth and leave it alone
But now I scream across this gap across this endless space
Cause you blessed me girl
Then you robbed me of my fragile world
And I miss you, girl, more then anything in the world
Take me as I am
I would do anything if only I could see you
I'm deprived of hope, I'm God's sick joke, because he took you away
I've learned to hate this place
I want to burn it down and run away
Until I see your face I will loathe this house I will hate this house
Home is where the hurt is
Because its far away from you
Falling out of love is like giving up a drug
I can't move on with my life
You have my heart as fractured as it is
Even if we have to say goodbye."

*Cause you blessed me boy.

I suppose these lyrics describe a few people or && feelings at the moment.
I can't stop thinking of loss lately, or despair, of memories, of change, of the future, && of the hopeless && helpless feeling I have about it all.
I want my brother back, I can't stop thinking about him lately. Needless to say, I'm always thinking about him, but I try my hardest not to be filled with hate about him leaving me here, his passing really did break my fragile world, or robbed me of it, if he was still with me I just can't imagine how better off I would be doing, how much more love I would have && give, && how my state of mind would be totally shifted, but I know he doesn't want me thinking like that, wishing like that. I thought I went through acceptance, but now it's all turning around on me again, I'm never going to let go, && I suppose I can never accept it now, because it's all rushing back to me, it's all wishing back to me, I'm all wishes, I'm all fragile all over again. I want her back, my old friend, who I fell in love with. I want my best friend back, I want a best friend, && no one will ever understand this, how I feel about my brother, I feel insane, I talk to him, all the time, I love him, in so many ways, I can still feel our bond, && I'm so grateful I can still remember his smile, his hands, && the things he used to say to me, && the things he says to me now, the way he must look now, but I can't find the way he would lead me, I can't find how he would be here for me, how he would save me...

The lost is even abandoned.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:37:34 GMT

I never wanted to loose you, I never wanted to loose any of the people I have.
I still love you, && you, && you, && you, if more every moment.
I wish I could apologize for even drifting peacefully from people.
I wish I could apologize for people pushing me away.
I want to apologize for them && their actions, to them.

Nothing's going to be the same, && this is the worst change ever.

Beauty in the misery.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 15:26:51 GMT

It's been raining for what seems like forever, but it's nice.
Steven keeps wishing for it, so everything can be as miserable as him, but I think the rains saved me from to much to think of it as miserable, if grey were a color it'd be my favorite, I always tell that to people. Plus, where do rainbows come from? There's beauty in the misery.

Me && Kenny cleaned out selves out quite a bit last night, in the bathroom, && that's the end of my hints. I suppose we both have a lot in common on how we speak, I'm just worried he doesn't want to get too close because of certain things, yet I'm worried about him, && he's the last person I have to believe in, I've lost all the others. I just love him.

My mom obviously didn't know we had a pill popping, snorting, taking shots, && chain smoking kind of night, because this morning she decided to welcome us with apple pancake breakfast. Oh dear.

"I've been waiting here to declare a new meaning,
To feel the way I do and it just happens to be,
One of the things that I'd like to pretend."

p.s last night at 11:11 I wished that Kenny would be the one to hold onto me, whatever that means.

Everyone knows I'm in over my head.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:37:56 GMT

I wish they did, I wish someone would notice. I've come to realize, through extreme "spacing out" today, that I've cried out so many times. That I need someone to understand me, someone to listen to me, someone to be my medicine, because I've got all the substances that people say are my escape, but it's my call out for an escape. I really wish love was like the game finders, keepers.

Otherwise, unless you've got a time machine, or a secret place that you can take me where love is sincere, I'm going to kill this spell of despondency that's come over me, blow by blow.

Help. I'm alive.

Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:16:55 GMT

"I'll look to the sun, && I'll look in the mirror."

I've never loved the sun so much. I read this book once, it's one of those books that I can read again && again whenever I want to appreciate it all over again && admire it more each time. It's about a girl named Rae, nicknamed Sunshine by her family && friends. She loves to get up at 5 every morning to work at a bakery, but her mother is starting to get on her nerves again, and she just needs some isolation so she goes to the old lake that they used to stay at, thinking it's safe. In this book everyone knows about vampires, werewolves, && other creatures (like bearwolves, green demons) && back during the vampire wars the lake was a battleground a lot, && soon after arriving at the lake to get some alone time she's captured by vampires. There's a lot more to the book, but pretty much she's magical, && has a few powers, && those powers are energized by the sun. The more sun, the more 'alive' she is. Like when she was a little kid, her && mother lived in a really drab apartment, && there was hardly any windows, && for the whole time they lived there Rae was sick as a dog.

I just keep thinking about that book every time I'm in the sun now. I've already gotten sunburned quite a bit from sun bathing, && no, I do not tan. I used to always close my curtains, turn off all my lights, go out during the night, because that's just how I was, I really didn't like all that brightness, && the sun always hurt my eyes, now I close my eyes when I look up at it && I can see all these pictures && day dreams playing behind my eyelids, all lit up. I was laying at the park the other day, on the outdoor basketball court, just laying there in the sun, && it felt amazing, it was the most adored feeling I've felt in a while. My mom knows energy magic, maybe not magic but that's how it's always seemed to me, anyway, when I used to get hurt all the time my mom would take my hand (or whatever injured limb) && she would run her hand over it, just barely not touching it, && I could feel her pulling away the heat, the swelling, && after a while, with some herbs, the pain. Her sister taught her, && she taught me too, but I'm not half as good as my mom is. Energy is quite astonishing to me, I absolutely love it. Of course, not everyone's using it in a positive way, energy's a lot more than something to power your weapons with, or something to make cars start, or your phone work. I wish people would see how much more it could be. Either way, I'm going out to go lay in it again(:

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 23:05:25 GMT

Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, one of the best && worst worlds to let yourself fall into. Better known as ecstasy, it diminishes all fear && anxiety, && gives you an intimacy with everyone around you.

I want your eyes, I want your eyes on me.

Good thing I'm not the kind of person who has regrets, that would be horrible for my self-esteem. I don't have much of one. I care about what I look like && blahblahblah, but just, no, not really. I do pick my poison well, but I just don't realize all the time what it's doing to me && my mind. My addictions have no boundaries I suppose, but at least I'm not screaming out for more. I do regret getting some of my friends upset with me though, I wish they wouldn't, I wish they would fall into my world...&& at the same time I'm really happy they don't.
"Please help me take this all away, && bleed like me." That runs through my mind a lot, but I hope it doesn't come true. But pretty much I wouldn't wish anything like those worlds on anyone I care about, but I really wish they would enter.
I'm getting back into my reckless habits once again, like over the summer, but it's getting so much more...intense. I know that if I find whatever is keeping me in this horrible state of mind && making me feel out of my mind I'm going to laugh at whatever it is eventually, but I don't think it's going to happen like that this time. It's burning me right to the bone, all of this despair. I don't hate myself, all of the time, && I love my friends, I have two that are some of the best ones you can find (: but I sit at my window having a cigarette && all I think about is jumping out that window, falling, or flying off into that bittersweet sky, hidden by all the clouds, && when they leave me as well I'll burn with the sun. It just goes like that, && the only thing that's literally keeping me alive is drugs, they turn my thoughts around on me, they impair me, they let me be happy, or feel to high to notice such despair even though I know it's still there.

I'll leave it at that.